Setu: What am I doing?

Lata Hirani

Ma says what happened to you? He sees that I jump at night and cannot sleep. Eyes become heavy and red from exposure. Papa says you are getting pale day by day, are you eating properly or not? Everyone asks you to take care of your health otherwise you will fall ill. Who can tell that I have fallen ill and no one can understand my illness then there is no question of treatment. What is visible to others is the external features. No one can see how much turmoil has been created inside me. The mind is not stuck anywhere. Hands and feet become watery. I sit and forget what I have to do! I pick up the phone and forget whose number I connected! However, Mama is feeling a bit unwell. Two days ago, sitting next to you at night, how many lovingly asked what happened to you? Are you in any trouble? What's the concern? Tell me whatever you are. There is no problem that does not have a solution! No mama, what can I tell you? I didn't say anything, I just cried. Mama says, if you can't tell me, then let's go to the doctor. Then sat and inquired about good psychiatrists in the city. Day and night my mind haunts me. I am a big criminal in front of myself and I cannot forgive myself. Even God will not forgive me. I… I got up and did that with the row? What a fast friend of mine! We have studied together since primary and we cannot live without each other. Be it going to college or shopping, bunking in class or going to a movie! We are together. I can't live without the row or the row without me… We sometimes held hands and decided that we would marry two brothers or two friends. So that our friendship remains! But what I don't understand is why the line did this? Fall in love with that word and hide it from me? Sometimes I feel that the line is hiding something, but then it happens, my mind wanders. Row better hide from me! But no what Seema told me was true. He saw with his own eyes the row and the word sitting in the corner of the garden embracing each other! I asked the row and he said yes. I got burnt standing up. Not because the verse loved the word, but because it hid it from me. I really fought with him but he made some excuses. Why should I bear that the row kept a veil with me, forgetting our friendship of so many years. He deceived me. I was deceived by row! Why? Why? I couldn't bear this… I was burning… I used to hate the line after seeing the word. A fire of revenge flared up in my mind. I did not realize what a dangerous game I was playing! I contrived to pour into Shabda's ears whatever Elfel talk about the line. Totally false, imaginary stories and characters of the same line… it got exactly what I wanted. The word skipped the line. I should have laughed but what happened instead? The poor row had no idea that this was my game! Come to me and cry! The poor thing was dreaming black! She and Shabda were to get married and the line was all about her! The line was saying, This is my first love and I am devastated! Truly all my intoxication was gone. I began to burn in the fire of remorse. I, yes I, ruined my dear friend. I gave him a pain that he will never forget in his life! I broke his dreams with my hands! He still thinks of me as his friend, don't I? I have become his enemy! No, no one will forgive me. If I tell anyone now, no one will believe me! And what is the difference between believing and not believing? What was meant to spoil has spoiled. what do i do So and so I will go crazy… I have to do something. Yes, Gandhi confessed his sin by writing a letter to his father! I will do the same. I don't have the courage to say it face to face. Write a letter, line by line. Let me frankly admit everything in it. Even if he hates me. Even though he will never see my face, I will tell him the truth now. Yes, maybe the relationship between the word and the line may or may not be connected again, but one thing is that the word cannot be said to be raw! Why did he accept what he heard without confirmation! If it had happened after marriage! Looking at it that way, what happened is okay… Just write a letter to the row and lighten my mind. The result will come!