'Doctor, this is my daughter Aina. His age is seven years. His problem is different from other children. She was very active and enthusiastic till eighth standard. It has become very quiet for the last six-seven months. Earlier it had to stop us from storming, but now it seems that it has become too much. Talking to everyone has been minimized. He does homework on time. He is very quiet in class too. But, the teachers say that he falls asleep in the ongoing class. Its excessive calmness makes us nervous. Seeing so many brown children makes us panic. However, her father is out of town fifteen days a month, so I am raising Aina as a single parent. Ayana gets worried.' Pujabehan finished the talk. When Ayana's clinical history was taken, it was really clear that her parents' strained relationship and fights had increased over the past year or so. One day, Ayana stood outside her parents' bedroom and heard that both of them were going to get a divorce. Ayana was deeply shocked after hearing this. To such an extent that he used to urinate the bed in his sleep. When the bed gets wet, Aina wakes up and changes the bed sheet and her clothes by herself and then stays up all night. That's why he used to sleep during the ongoing class in school. Parents themselves being stressed or in conflict has dire effects on the child. Often adults are not serious about it. Children are more emotionally dependent on their parents than we think. If the level of parents' emotions changes, then the children are also disturbed. This can be called 'emotional contagion'. Also, parents are the first 'role model' in a child's life. A child learns how to behave or respond in any good or pleasant situation by watching the parents. In the same way, when a parent reacts to a stressful or negative situation, he or she becomes an accurate example for the child. If the parent manages stress effectively, the child becomes stronger, and conversely, if the parent reacts to a stressful situation with anger, escapism, or addiction, the child is more likely to do the same. Also, when parents are surrounded by their own emotional problems, they cannot pay enough attention to their children and all their energy is spent on finding solutions to their own problems. Due to this reason, they become 'emotionally un-available' for children, meaning they become indifferent to giving feelings to the child. Hence communication is reduced on both the parent and child side. Thus, the sense of insecurity increases in the child. It lowers self-esteem and confidence and lays the foundation for many psychological problems. In Ayana's case, excessive calming down was her unconscious defense mechanism to combat stressful situations. As Aina was a very intelligent and sensitive child, the negativity also penetrated deeply as she could think too long. Somewhere, he began to blame his enthusiasm, mischievousness or overactivity for the cause of the problem. To change the visible external situation, he changed his internal behavior at the unconscious level. With the hope that, 'everything will be fine in my house and the fights between mom and dad will stop because of me.' The guilt of domestic turmoil was at the root of Ayana's problem. Bedwetting was also a phenomenon caused by fear and insecurity. Of course, Poojabehan's busy husband Patidev was also called in later sessions and counseled about the implications of the joint role of parents. However, his personal issues were treated separately. As the behavior of the parents started to change, there were also desirable changes in the mirror. After psychotherapy and counseling, Aina's fun and spunk have returned.
Winning Stroke A child's behavior is a 'mirror' of the parent's feelings and behavior.
Image Credit: (Divya-Bhaskar): Images/graphics belong to (Divya-Bhaskar).
